(Re)Creator of life | Rebel by cause

Did I fail? 5 years of pain.


Did I fail?

It’s been five years…

It’s been more than just that, years. But counting the years, five, is easier to explain and to grasp with so much that has happened and so much that still goes on. It has been a mental rollercoaster. Not to mention the body tumbling part.
This isn’t something I can easily brush off. Nor would I want to, out of respect for the ones involved. Five years of waking with pain daily. Five years of so many questions, and just as many answers.

May 19th. 2012.

Someone closed her eyes in my arms to never open them again. Of everything I could’ve gone through, that was the last thing I would ever expect to happen.
Now I had to accept it.

I made the promise of life and live is what I did. But was it enough so far? Did I give it my best shot?

So many things happened. From learning to walk, to learning to fall and stand back up. Sticking plastic tubes in my body to empty my bladder, using pills and needles to relax my muscles. Falling again, standing up, accepting the tears, the loss. Breaking a toe, committing to 100 push-ups for 100 days. Growing stronger. Growing wiser. Day by day. Learning to be tough.
Making friends, opening up while I just wanted to hide in shame. Study while I was resting, talking when I was sad, laughing when I was glad. Learning to be vulnerable. Learning to be ok with who I was.

I learned to share and to accept. Let go of limitations, shame, pain, loss, lack… Everything that was holding me back. The beauty comes from within when you embrace the lack of abundance to create it from this heartfelt feeling.

Five years of giving it my all to deserve the right to live and to love. For myself. For my past. For the person who would never be there. To clean up the mess I felt I was stuck in for so many years. I feel I succeeded, yet I lost. As you accomplish your dreams, new ones are being build. It’s called evolution, a form of survival and those feelings are strong in us.

I succeeded everything I set my mind to, personal, business, family, and even love. But not my body. Not my body…

The thing I need the most to complete my dreams, to help others, that thing just keeps breaking down. And I have accepted, this last part might not be fixable. What I also accepted is that it is a gift to keep me grounded, to make me grow beyond my body. To help others see beyond limitations.

I have been given an opportunity. And it is not up to me to decide if I fail or if I succeed. It is up to me to wake up and try every day again to take it another step further.
To help one more person.
To share one more story.
To create one more smile.

I have become a recycler of life. Of opportunities. I’ve become a tool for others to find balance and purpose in their lives.

Have I failed? No.

I keep going on. One more time.

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Let me help you recycle your life. Life Awareness & Innovations is a program based to look at your needs and which innovations you need.

Music of Choice: Daft Punk – One More Time

One more time

We’re gonna celebrate

Oh yeah, all right

Don’t stop the dancing

A deep intimate connection


I have this deep intimate connection with myself. 

It is deeper than touch and filled with an intense fulfilling emotion. It is a strength covering a core of vulnerability. It would almost feel unreal, if I didn’t experience it myself.

It is almost five years ago that I saw someone close her eyes for ever in my arms and I made her a promise:

“I will live for the both of us.”

This initiated a transformation that I am still part of. I am no saint, nor a hero. I’m far from perfect, actually. And I’m not afraid to confront myself. I am a simple boy full of insecurities that had to grow into a man in a split second. I had to stumble, literally, over hurdles to become who I am. I set a standard and raised it every time it was met. 

I could always do one more step? On more smile? Right? What I held back for years, exploded into a force that propels me forward, taking life as it comes. Revolving, always revolving and no way to be stopped.

I didn’t know for sure till I tried. I wrote it down, I cried it in paper and defined who I was. Who I wanted to be. This time for real. I had to serve and create this thing bigger than me. I promised her! And I urged myself to be patient. 

“Discover your core. Work harder. Rest longer. Learn more.”

And I trusted myself as I had never done before. And I let it go…

In four years, I learned to walk, started a business with nothing but some chump change and build a life I never thought was possible. Four years I worked towards the moment and the moment said:

“Just a little bit more.”

I was living what I had promised her. No guilt, no blame, no judgement. Just this enormous spiritual garden where I can walk around and pick the feelings that I need and water the ones that should grow. I harvest what is ripe and give to the world what I know.

Dealing with depression, pain, loss, anxiety and insecurities has been a part of my past. And because of that it will be part of my future. Although I have made an alternative choice. In my new life, I have this deep intimate connection with myself. I feel life, I smell life and I see life in a brighter light than I imagined. I focus myself to be aware of my surroundings, inherently seeing that everything is free. I feel the love that I give and that I may receive. Therefore I am free, I have found a way to share this deep passionate feeling that I had inside me all these years.

I am mine, but my gift to you, is yours to keep.

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Music of Choice: Pearl Jam – Garden

I don’t question
our existence
I just question
our modern needs

I will walk…with my hands bound
I will walk…with my face blood
I will walk…with my shadow flag
into your garden
garden of stone

after all is done
we’re still alone
I won’t be taken
yet I’ll go…

Become your own creator

We are afraid.

We are so afraid!

We are afraid of being judged. We are afraid of being hurt. We are afraid to lose. We are afraid of shame. We are afraid of being who we can truly be because fear is easier than to stand for what we really believe.

We prefer to quote some mystic words than to bare our soul. We prefer to read the knowledge of the past than to discover the future for ourselves.

Do you see yourself? The real you? The one that loves? The one that has dealt with loss? The one that lies, cheats and steals? The one that hides the truth instead of seeking a solution? Do you realize how much you’ve been hurt and how much pain you have caused? Do you accept the doubts and turn them into truths?

Do you look in the mirror and recognize the face you’ve seen over the years? Do you love that person internally? Eternally? Or can you be honest and say:

“Nah, not today”

Do you dare to say that you’ve been stupid or dumb? That you’ve been harsh and wrong? That you’ve been rash and deserved the burn?

Once you’ve accept all that, that lesser side of you. The faulty bits and pieces? You can bolt them. That’s where you can build again. That’s where you can strengthen your foundation and clean the mess surrounding it. You can not start over. Sorry to say, but the layers that have been there for years can not be forgotten. But… They can be accepted and reconstructed.

It’s not an easy task and it takes a lot of commitment. But the truth is, if you invest in you, you make your world a better place. Your future, your destiny, your peace of mind. Only than can you love all that is, for what it’s truly worth. You are a beautiful human being.

Now let go of one fear, to start with. And become your own creator!

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Music of Choice: Pearl Jam – All those yesterdays

Don’t you think you’ve done enough?
Oh, don’t you think you’ve got enough, well maybe.
You don’t think there’s time to stop
There’s time enough for you to lay your head down, tonight, tonight

Let it wash away
All those yesterdays

What are you running from?
Taking pills to get along
Creating walls to call your own
So no one catches you drifting off and
Doing all the things that we all do

What’s with the Pirate?

The most asked question “What’s with the Pirate?” is the most unanswered one because no one gets what it really is. It is not to others to understand, yet, here I go explaining myself…

No, not me, but why I use the “Pirate.” People see the “funny” of it, however what most don’t seem to get  is what is meant with the “Recycled” in front of it and the combination of three unifying words. They don’t define me. Nothing can. It is just a tool for recognition so our human minds can somewhat understand.

It is all in the shade of the words. As a, somewhat, poet with a mystical twist and love for symbolism it took me a journey of two years to find something I would carry. A definition, but one that I crafted. The, as in, The Recycled Pirate, is for “I am.” I am just as you, one of a kind. The one of a Kind! For the other two words, well let’s sit down and go down memory lane.

The Pirate has stuck with me since my childhood. My mom used to buy me tons of books as a kid. If there is something she has spoiled me with, it was books. One of them, a childhood favorite. was a birthday gift about two boys being stranded (many centuries ago) in Hispaniola and becoming Buccaneer’s to survive. This has always stuck with me since I came from an island where I felt stranded, and misunderstood. Too many times I heard what I should’ve done instead of supported what I could’ve become. I was called a rebel and “up to no good.” While all that was of the matter was that “they” just didn’t understood.

Pirates are non conformist. Many of them have a bad name. And looking back at history, the time they lived in is not well-known for gentle behavior. However, many pirates joined a crew as means of survival and breaking with the status quo. They were free yet part of a community. And that was what I want, be together, but be who you want to be. So I joined many crews over the years.

For as long as I can remember I cared for others and how we are treated. To hear one thing while something else was done was just wrong and because I refused to live by these rules, “they” called me a rebel. The times that it was explained to me went against my logic. I treated everyone with the same respect they treat me, or the lack of it.

I decided early on, I was going to do things differently. And so I did…

It took a long journey and literally had to cross seas to get where I want. Yet, it wasn’t until that same sea nearly cost my life that I realized what my life was about.



I gave life second chances, in all its forms, physical, mental, material and spiritual. As you read in many of my blogs I’m not your regular rebel. I’m a warrior with a cause. Life is love, and love is what it’s all about. I am willing to die for it!

I love life for all its aspects but I have no illusions that I’m in control. I take it as it comes and give it as it goes. I am patient with myself as I am with my surroundings. I am loving to others as long as they are willing to love themselves.

I don’t look for the easy way out but for the best way to create opportunities to grow me and my community.

My life was a waste. Literally. For many years I was ruled by cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, sex, it was all so good but none of it brought me the life I desired. Insecurities, fear and anxiety destroyed hopes and dreams. “They” said I was “up to no good.” I was a mess till I lost my life. I didn’t die. I could still breathe, but everything else died in front of me…

Not being able to move. Being pushed in a bed from one room to another. Being fed and cleaned by people I never met. Waiting for any visitor to brighten my day. I realized I had to take this life, and recycle it. Take everything bad and use it for good. Take every doubt and use it to build trust. To take every weakness and to build strength. Fearless like a Pirate I tied a rope to my bed and pulled myself up for I was ready for one more fight!

Bonaire, May 2012. Picture by my mother, Caresse Victoria.

It started with gaining physical strength that I needed to be able to care for myself. The confidence came with it. Study my patterns. Improve my skills. Gaining control over my thoughts by simply accepting I had lost, and now I had everything to gain. I changed my diet and learned to breathe. It meant learning a whole new me. A whole new lifestyle. Letting go of all the limiting thoughts that were passed on to me and pirateer my future. Refuse the wheelchair, refuse the diapers, refuse being helpless! Stand tall, straighten your back, breathe deep and exhale it all out.

As a yoga practitioner, a modern man who isn’t afraid to love, to show emotions and vulnerability many times I get asked “Pirate? Really?” And my reply is simple:

I am the man who changed life when life changed me. I am a rebel with a cause, a child at heart, and a lover of life. I am the man that will change my world with my own two hands and the will of my mind.

I am The Recycled Pirate!
And I, recycle life.

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Music of Choice: Tracy ChapmanBorn to Fight

They’re tryin’ to dig into my soul
And take away the spirit of my god
They’re tryin’ to take control
And monitor my every thought

I won’t let down my guard
And I was born to fight
I ain’t been knocked down yet
I was born to fight
I’m the surest bet

There ain’t no man no woman
No beast alive that can beat me
‘Cause I’m born to fight

I will always remain me

I am not afraid to show myself. I never was…

However, I was taught to fear others and the words they might speak. The thoughts they might think. But my inner struggle said: “I am not responsible for what they create in their brain.” So I let go of those demons and lived as much as I could live.

I have lived so hard and lost so much that I can fill books with adventures. When in Spain running from the police. In Germany I raved the night away. Belgium I saw passing through to too many stories I can tell. And in France, lost in the 18th arrondissement, befriended a hooker and found my way out. I sat in trains and fell in love with mountains and forests that I would never see again. I have seen more countries than I can remember. I lived in three, traveled through more. I ate their food and learned their customs. I paid respect and got served more. I kissed a stranger and we watched each other disappear in the distance. It was all in the cycle of life before I chose this place for its starry skies.

I have won hearts and saw many slip and disappear. I have danced, soaking wet, in the rain. I made love on top of a mountain and dived the deep ocean. I sat on the bottom, looked up and saw just one shimmering light. I felt alive yet knew death was around the corner.
I laughed so much my belly hurt for days. I cried so many tears I thought I would dry and life would be the remains of a desert oasis.

I saw a baby come out her mother’s womb, felt the feelings of a father and in that same lifetime, I saw a life go lost in my arms. In all that happened in this life I always chose to love. I choose to share for I feel we are hiding afraid to be hurt, while hurting ourselves. I prefered to feel the pain than not have tried.

With all those ups and downs, the waves and the turning of the tide, I chose me. It’s not for you to understand…

But I always remained me!

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Music of Choice: Pearl Jam – Release me

I see the world
Feel the chill
Which way to go
I see the words
On a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll ride the wave
Where it takes me
I’ll hold the pain
Release me

Grow, from a boy into a man


I have written for most of my life. The memories of the first words are still there. It all started someday a long long time ago, about when I was twelve. Walking home words lingered in my head. It was about my grandmother, welita, how I was afraid of losing her but instead the words have been lost in time.

I remember they were about my love for her and the fear of loss. Those two topics have created most of my teenage scriptures. They were poems and short stories that most couldn’t understand. They were artistic and underappreciated, like a teenage boy’s life. They were filled with doubt. Doubts if they were worth the read, worth the share and most of all worth the time.

“Was I worth anything at all?

The candles that melted, smoke that lingered and the wine that has accompanied the adolescents didn’t bring much good. They were a whirlwind of emotions that I never understood. Why, was I thinking this? Why, was I feeling so much? Why, was I the only one?

I wasn’t. As I discovered the internet, the world wide web discovered me. I resisted. I embraced. I got chewed up and spit out. I took my distance and lost track of time. I wandered back and some things were just like the first time. I discovered worlds, wrote stories, half books, but none could fill this empty heart of mine.

I turned 30, and a decade later the 3 turned into 4. I never wrote as that young boy anymore, but here I sit writing it all down. That young boy, got lost, found his way, wanted to die, survived another day, grew more than he ever could imagined and let it all slip away.

That young boy, lost his life. But never his appetite. So here, yes it is I. I lost my ways, and with that, forgot the words. I discovered myself, a beast deep inside. I lingered the thoughts and with a slow recover, here I am, laying it all down.

The boy is a man. The fear is still there, but now there is fuel to discover more. To be deeper in myself. To give more, share more and show the world what can be.

Apparently, all you have to be, is just you, and grow from a boy into a man.

Music of Choice: Bronski Beat – Smalltown Boy

“Smalltown Boy”

Cry, boy, cry, boy, cry

Cry, boy, cry

You leave in the morning with everything you own in a little black case

Alone on a platform, the wind and the rain on a sad and lonely face

Mother will never understand why you had to leave
But the answers you seek will never be found at home
The love that you need will never be found at home

Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away
Run away, turn away, run away, turn away, run away

Pushed around and kicked around, always a lonely boy
You were the one that they’d talk about around town as they put you down

And as hard as they would try they’d hurt to make you cry
But you never cried to them, just to your soul
No, you never cried to them, just to your soul

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She still tells me to let go…


I have loved more than I ever been loved. Yet I broke more hearts than mine was broken. Mine was, and is still, bruised and sore. It aches but it keeps wanting more. I tried to turn it off but I only managed to turn it down.

I am ok, with this, for now. I know nobody sets out on purpose to break another heart. I never have. I set out to please, to conquer, to heal or to cover. I tried to protect and failed and became the aggressor. I am sorry…

I was confused and I am still now. The difference with then and now, is that I’m not mistaking my love, I have learned it is true. I yearned for more since I was a small boy and set out to give what I could, for what I could not receive.

After 40 years I conclude, no one receives as deep as I do, for no one gives as hard as I can. That is my gift.

Now that might sound selfish, and it almost is, weren’t it for the fact that I know now, when I looked death in the eyes, that I would have preferred to die with her than return without her. I learned there and then that my heart was just.

In my beloved memory she still tells me to let go… 

So I’m letting you go now.

Thank you for teaching me that my love was so pure that it changed your life, so you could let go too.

Music of choice: Bette Midler – The Rose

“The Rose”

Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

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Becoming Me (looking back 2 years)

It’s been a little over a year when I last stood in line to collect a welfare. I had just traveled 40 minutes to get there. I stood 15 minutes in line, looking at and observing the people surrounding me. I felt confused, “Why am I here?”

Without hesitation I walked away…

I left my money and never contracted them again!

It was October 2015.

2ndLife Curaçao Lampshade, Picture by Valerie Parisius.

I was receiving 160 guilders ($ 89) every two weeks. As long as I came downtown the money was mine. The walk from home the the bus stop, the bumpy travel in an inconvenient public transportation bus  and waiting in line costed me half a day every two weeks. Not to mention the discomfort or the pain getting there. And then back home, dragging my feet. In the beginning I wobbled on two crutches. In the end with only one single cane. I enjoyed my trips for they were a sense of freedom, although the freedom was limited to the state of my physical condition yet the endurance was what would get me stronger, and if I got stronger, (I promised myself) I wouldn’t have to go anymore.

As I turned and walked away, fear and insecurities crossed my path. It was just at the exit, before crossing the street. “That’s still 160 guilders you’re leaving behind dude. You can’t afford stupidity!” But once a Pirate’s mind is set, there is no return. And this had to be done. I was stronger.

I had told my parents a week earlier that I was considering stop picking up my welfare. My business was official since 3 months. I had just won a prize proclaiming I was a “young aspiring entrepreneur” while selling people’s collected garbage back at them with a little paint and effort. I made it neat and shiny. My face had been on the cover of a magazine, I was the opening speaker for a music show. I was chained to a tree to create more awareness for animal care while Humans of Willemstad interviewed me and for a week my social media was crazy! I had this! I thought…

“You got this!”

enforced on myself as I rammed my cain almost through the pavement waiting for the car to pass and I could cross the road of freedom.

“I’m getting my own car! Can’t have a business without a car.”

My mind was on rapid fire in an eerie calm I have felt many times since my accident in 2012.

“I got this!’

A year has passed, I’ve been around Curaçao to Sint Maarten and Aruba. I got my car. I got my business, and it grew. I found fears and I’m scared, I have my insecurities, but… Damn, this feels good! I made friends. I lost money. But, hé! I made it through. I made it better. And I made it even scarier (I need some new boxers…) and the future looks even more promising for I have grown.

tumblr_ofvp5pqgf91qi9bubo1_1280When I doubt, I think of a mother that asked me to make candle holders for her kid’s baptism. A girl visiting from Canada, who told me of the passing of her father. I remember standing between senators of a local organization and hear their laughter. I remember standing on stage telling my story dropping all the weight so this all could start.

I remember picking up my cane that night:

“This is the point of no return. Pick your cane, and stand with pride. You are The Pirate now.”

I get goosebumps thinking of the day I picked up the car keys and drove home in the dark. With my eyes filled with tears, driving, seeing the wheelchair I had left in my room, a couple of years earlier, not willing to touch it. I did the TEDx talk I dreamed of while still in the clinic riding the hometrainer. There are so many snapshots I could fill a book about a lifetime, but I’m not promising that (yet.)

I do, however, remember I promised I would never stop loving. Do I didn’t… Love has brought me here and love will take me further. I have been called many things in my life but only one word stuck when all others shaded. I gave when I had nothing, and I received a world full of LOVE.

So you may guess what more is coming… Just catch and release…

Music of Choice: Matt Simons – Catch & Release (Deepend remix)

There’s a place I go to
Where no one knows me
It’s not lonely
It’s a necessary thing
It’s a place I made up
Find out what I’m made of
The nights I’ve stayed up
Counting stars and fighting sleepLet it wash over me
I’m ready to lose my feet
Take me off to the place where one reveals life’s mystery
Steady on down the line
Lose every sense of time
Take it all in and wake up that small part of me
Day to day I’m blind to see
And find how far
To goEverybody got their reason
Everybody got their way
We’re just catching and releasing
What builds up throughout the dayIt gets into your body
It flows right through your blood
We can tell each other secrets
And remember how to loveThere’s a place I’m going
No one knows me
If I breathe real slowly
Let it out and let it in
It can be terrifying
To be slowly dying
Also clarifying
We end where we begin

So let it wash over me
I’m ready to lose my feet
Take me off to the place where one reveals life’s mystery
Steady on down the line
Lose every sense of time
Take it all in and wake up that small part of me
Day to day I’m blind to see
And find how far
To go

Everybody got their reason
Everybody got their way
We’re just catching and releasing
What builds up throughout the day

It gets into your body
And it flows right through your blood
We can tell each other secrets
And remember how to love

Everybody got their reason
Everybody got their way
We’re just catching and releasing
What builds up throughout the day

And it gets into your body
And it flows right through your blood
We can tell each other secrets
And remember how to love

Turning the page (A Pirate’s Look at 40)

Birthdays have lost their specialty since I was about 12, but last year (2015) I felt the need to celebrate again. It was the last time 30 (39), I had big dreams, big plans and big projects. And, I had a life to honor. I had also walked away from the welfare line just a month earlier, paid myself my first salary (NAf. 500,-), envisioned owning a car and living on my own again. All while growing my own business. I would create job opportunities for me and one, hopefully two, part-time employees and inspire people to do good.

I had no clue what I was getting myself into. (I actually did, but I thought I would handle it better.) I knew it was going to be hard work! Filled with doubts, fear and all the other humane feelings that mess us up when we get scared.

Hello, welcome to the rollercoaster ride of the year.

For the first time in my life I knew that fear couldn’t stop me, slow me down, yes, but nothing stops a man from his determined set goals. I had proven that the years prior. My determination scared me on many occasions and, honestly, still does. It’s like I’m trying to do all wrongs, right, but with good hearted intent and not just for me. I’m turning 40 (I don’t even know how to spell that.) The age is just a page that you keep turning till the book ends. And I know, better than ever before, that I’m on the right track. I’m scared of what is coming and what I can’t control, however I’m not afraid of what I’m capable of and what I will achieve. That is certain! It is not because nobody can stop me, but because I accomplished it already and I’m just continuing on borrowed time. The only failure that remains, is giving up.

With all this in mind, it hurts. I’m hurting. I feel I failed. I feel I’ve lost some parts that I could have won. I know these are “just” human doubts, but still, let me share my thoughts.

I got that car I so badly wished for. I dug in and fought to the teeth till I had it and then lost it to mechanical issues and still haven’t gotten it back. For the first time in my life I had savings, and nothing of them are left. I had the greatest honor to realise a dream, talking at a TEDx event but I felt empty in the end. I guess all accomplishments do because we humans just aren’t easily pleased. As soon as we accomplish a goal we’re already punishing ourselves for the things we didn’t do as expected. And for me that is that I still live with my parents and although that shouldn’t come as a surprise it feels like I failed them, Me, My hope, a part of my dream lost. I haven’t been able to pay myself my salary for 6 months and you would almost think when you read all that, that I have lost faith…

But no! I’m a Pirate and I always find the wind to fill my sails and head into a new course. Just when I thought I was losing my game, my creativity showed that my trust in me is all  I need. Don’t forget, I got that car when it wasn’t likely I would. I got paid playing with other people’s waste. Heck, I’ve been doing this since I was a baby. I danced for many years while there was doubt if I would ever walk straight. (I had to wear braces as a baby to straighten my legs.) I was born to fight. And in that fight I remembered my best weapon, is acceptance. Letting go of what you can’t grasp and embrace what you can hold.

So I got the biggest order from 2ndLife Curaçao‘s existence (215 candle holders), and another dozen to keep me busy. img_20161119_191621This month has broken all records in my book. And if that wasn’t enough, after struggling for two years with international payments, I can finally sell internationally. There is even more that I can’t even tell yet. Or that I don’t feel enough accomplished to really let it count, but what matters most, I have all of you. The thank you’s, the encouragements, the believe and support. It amazes me. It makes me wonder, how can I ever doubt myself?

Yet I do. Pirates are human too.

I might feel I have lost this year because I didn’t achieve my set goals. I’ve won more by the experience collected and stronger for the wisdom grown. I received so much love that it should last a lifetime. I have so much grit, I could Pirate my own ship.

Don’t ever give up on a Pirate, no matter how old. For he will surprise you for what made him the fighter in the first place, his own will. And to grow the seed he planted so she (Debbie) will not be forgotten.

Music of Choice: Jimmy Buffett – Pirate’s Look at forty




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