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THE RECYCLED PIRATE

Rebel by cause

I love me, but I love us more.

I love us, but we need to have a talk…

Patriotism, religion, politics and ideologies. Lands, churches, schools and neighborhoods. Do you like those borders? They all make or force us to choose sides. To step across a line to “define” who we are. Where and what we are. Left or right. We let boundaries define our memories. We cast stones and yell who and which is better. I’ve taken sides and played my part. I stepped aside and watched from afar. I came to a conclusion and now we need to have this talk!

I am none.  I am all. I am alone. And we, we are together. 

I will not be placed in a box, nor will I be contained by boundaries. I’ve fought for my life to be free, to be standing and to be walking again. I raised my standards higher than any standard ever put up for me. And I raise it even higher to help the ones that can’t raise theirs. I am the ruler of my standard and only I can achieve where I set my dreams.

I train, study and work harder than ever. I do more, share more and give more than I ever could before. Not because I have to. Nor because I’ve been asked to. I have less than I ever had, yet I am the wealthiest I’ve ever been. I have no more obligations to live other than the choice:

DO I WANT TO BE THE BEST ME I CAN BE?

OR DO I WANT TO BE THE BEST YOU WANT TO SEE?

I can’t use your eyes, so I can’t see what you see. I can’t feel what you feel. I’m not you and I don’t wish to be. I have no saying in what you perceive. However, I have the clear choice to show you who I can be. And I am real.

Hi. I am Andy. I am human(e).

I have made terrible mistakes. I have broken hearts. I have lost lust for life.

I have been a poet, DJ, Salsa dancer, bartender, record seller and youth worker. I’m a business owner, an artist and a warrior. I have failed the ones that put trust in me and I have helped people who have lost trust in themselves and in life, rise.

I have travelled and I’ve build a home. And lost it all. I will never be perfect and I sure won’t try to seem so. Thank you for your time, your love and your patience.

I appreciate you for who you let me be.

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My apologies for what I’ve done wrong. I’ll take credit for what I’ve done right. I am here on this planet to create a better world. Not for me. Not for my political party or my religious beliefs. I don’t care for your color, nor your background. I see your sex and embrace or leave it as I choose.

I took the obligation to fight as a knight and rebel as a Pirate, both warriors for their cause. I don’t divide. I unite. I don’t listen to Ghandi, Bob Marley or Nelson Mandela. I live them.

If you talk about unity, you need to accept the right to be different!

I respect you for you.

Hello human. I love you. I love me, but our love, means more.

 

Music of choice: Florence and The Machine – You’ve Got the Love

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you

Sometimes I feel like saying, “Lord, I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

Sometimes it seems the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then I feel like life is just too much
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

When food is gone, you are my daily meal (hmmm)
When friends are gone I know my Saviour’s love is real
Your love is real

You’ve got the love, you’ve got the love, you’ve got the love (hmmm)
You’ve got the love, you’ve got the love, you’ve got the love

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you

Sometimes I feel like saying, “Lord, I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

Oh, it gets so rough sometimes
Oh, the going gets so hard
But I know:

You’ve got the love, you’ve got the love, you’ve got the love (hmmm)

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you (I know, I know)

Sometimes I feel like saying, “Lord, I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

It’s all I can do sometimes to keep it together
But I know you’ve got it; you’ve got the love

You’ve got the love x6

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you

Sometimes I feel like saying, “Lord, I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

SIÑA BIBA…    

Siña hala rosea.
Rosea ta siñabo pasenshi. Kon pa wanta dolor, kon pa wanta sla i kon pa parti amor. Si bo no hala rosea, bo no por biba balansá.

Siña siña.
Mas bo sa. Mas bo por. Mas bo ta kompronde. Mas bo por krea. Mas bo por logra.

Siña skucha.
Mas bo skucha, mas bo ta siña. Di otro, pero tambe di bo mes. Un hende siña ta un hende respetá.

Siña papia.
Dor di papia, bo ta parti, bo ta eduka i bo ta wordu eduka dór di bo mes.

Siña duna.
Mas bo duna, mas bo ta haña, mas bo por parti i mas lo wordu partí ku bo.

Siña parti.
Bo bida ta mas bunita ora bo parti. Or abo parti, otro lo parti ku mas smak ku bo. Un pan parti ta yena dos barika i krea dos sonrisa.

Siña laga bai.
Tur kos ku a pasa ta den pasado kaba. Bo no por kontrola pasado, pero bo por krea un futuro.

Siña historia.
Si bo sa fei na unda bo a bini, bo sa mas mihó na unda bo por bai.

Siña kere den bo mes.
Si abo kere den bo mes, tur kos ku lo bo hasi lo ta mas mihó, mas fásil of mas interesante. Abo ta bo kreador!

Siña biba.
Úniko kos ku bo ta sigur di dje, ta e momentu aki ku bo tin. Ayera a pasa, i mañan kisas no ta bini. Esaki ta tur ku bo tin. Duna tur ku bo por i e tiki ekstra ku bo tin skondí den bo.

SIÑA EKSELA!
TA E MIHÓ KU ABO POR TA!

The Pirate’s Manifesto

Grow Stronger:
Learn your weakness. Fight with your power and grow your strength. Body, mind and spirit.
Push yourself harder than you have ever done before, for you need results you never thought you were able to achieve.

Get Smarter:
Know what you do, whatever you want to do, and be honest in what you can do. Prepare yourself for a better version of you and you will improve your future.

Become Wiser:
See more. Hear more. Feel more. Talk more. Laugh more. Love more. Share more. Realize more. Be wiser with all you’ve come to know.

Feel Better:
Not everything you feel is real. Choose what you want and how you want it. Feel that. Let the rest go. Embrace yourself, your inner self. Don’t let doubts decide your path.

Share:
Tell your story. Share your ideas. Become an inspiration and let inspiration feed you. Open your heart and your heart will fill and spill.

Be Genuine:
Be real. Be honest. Always tell the truth or don’t speak at all. Let painful words slide for they have to be said to solve the pain. Don’t fear , your truth is free.

Be You:
You are enough. In the most simple form, you are life. Reach out and something will reach in. If not, learn from the silence. You don’t need healing. You need you.

Be of Value:
Don’t try to find or to force value. You can’t be “successful” for that is only the outer shell. Be of value and create it from within.

Be Grateful:
You do nothing alone. Give and receive. Share and win. Or keep and lose. Thank everything and everybody that participates. In good or in bad, without these lessons you couldn’t be who you are today.

Be Disciplined:
Get up. Repeat. Get up. Get it done. Get it out of the way. Get it over with and feel that sense of achievement. That is the rush of success. Feel how value increases every time you succeed.

With all this, create a home. Your place to be safe, to retreat, to reload. Create where you can create and you can live without having to survive.

Music of Choice: The Black Keys – Weight of Love – Lyrics

You’ll be on my mind
Don’t give yourself away
To the weight of love
You’ll be on your side
Don’t give yourself away
The weight of, weight of love

 

 

The next chapter. My next chapter.

I love myself. Unconditionally.

There I said it. Publicly. Hate me. Love me. It doesn’t matter.
It doesn’t change who or what I am

I forgive myself. For all the wrong I’ve done. And to the people surrounding me, there is no more wrong. There is no more pain. There is no more hatred. There is no more loss.

Love. Acceptance. Understanding. Willingness. Difference.

 

It’s been a path for four years. I think it started the week before my accident (may 19th 2012), there was a wave of awareness. Suddenly things fell into place and then… *BAM*

In the meanwhile I have become aware. I grew, unexpectedly, to become a yogi. I learned to breathe. I became one with my world. With my surroundings. I accepted all that is not good. And I embraced all that was well. And achieve to create better and be understanding.

I try to be the best human being I could ever be. By thought, and by action.

I felt the need to improve me. Not just for me, but for the world I wanted to leave behind. I felt the need to balance what I do. What I think. What I feel. What is real? What is interfered with by “the outside” world? And in the midst of that epiphany the world exploded right in front of me, life changed. Life was lost. And life was created.

What are the perspective of me taking all control? I didn’t (still don’t) expect it to be easy. I just know that I am doing it, and it will (it already does) get better as I progress on this path.

The Recycled Pirate (Me. It is I. My movement) is about recycling life. Becoming that beautiful person triggered to do good with all the thoughts, the feelings, the influences, the disproportion(s) of our lives. What if, why do, why won’t…

What if I willed it? How strong will I become?

I will put in, what I want out.

It is time for the next chapter.

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Music of choice: Antonio Vivaldi – The Four Seasons

Antonio Vivaldi – The Four Seasons

About that daily routine

My daily routine seems to be something that many people wonder about. To some it’s a miraculous thing, to others a confirmation of what they are trying to accomplish. For me it’s that “thing” that comes back in almost every blog; Finding balance.

I don’t believe in doing one thing over and over again. You will have to if you really want to become good at something, but in a healthy manner. If you do the same work/training everyday your mind would get bored. Your body will get used to it, and instead of gaining control you would just slip into some mental coma. Yet, I do have a daily routine as many expected. Balance can come in many variations. I shift and juggle with what I want and have to do to find a balance to get the utmost out of my day. Everyday, the whole day. It’s my game and I always win. (Well, almost always because if I lose I learned why I didn’t win, so I still win! #PirateRules.) My drive, however, to get as much done on a daily basis is based on one simple principle:


Nemo vir est qui mundum non reddat meliorem.

It is a quote from my favorite movie, Kingdom of Heaven. Wikipedia says it’s from a Latin inscription and means: What man is a man who does not make the world better? (It’s my second favorite quote ever.) And this drives me in every way, every day. As I have explained in prior blogs, for me to be able to do what I need to do and be as physically strong as possible, my mind has to be clear of all clutter and of course, my body well rested. In my recovery process I developed a method that helps me. So let’s go through my schedule that I developed in 3,5 years of trial and error. (You can fill -ish behind everything because I believe you need to stay flexible to  create accomplishments.)


Muhammad Ali6.00 Alarm (Snooze, curse, sighs, big gulp of water)
7.00 Yoga (After copious amount of water in my face and with brushed teeth)
8.00 Breakfast (And coffee!)
9.00 Workshop (Create crap/craft)
12.00 Gym (Balance/Strength/Endurance training)

13.00 Lunch (Balanced warm meal)
14.00 Rest (Nap time)
16.00 Office (Checking mail while I make love to coffee)
17.00 Workshop (Create crap/craft)

This is my general day. It’s not planned to the minute and some days I sit more behind a computer doing my accounting, setting up or managing social media accounts for clients (FDDK, Share2Uplift, Twin Divers) or manage my own social media accounts, planning and of course lots and lots of research and learning. I’m an average student but an eager learner. During rehab, one of my therapists said: “You have a good brain. You’ll be fine as long as you keep developing it.” So that’s what I did and then some…

My yoga in the morning is to wake up my muscles and my nerves, to let them know “the world is awake and we need you.” In the meanwhile, I smell the scent of coffee and just that makes me smile. If I have to wash clothes I’ll throw them in as soon as I put my love potion (coffee) brewing and before yoga so by the time I get my breakfast in my tummy I’m ready for the fresh smell of just washed clothes. I chose a soap that’s good to the environment and makes me happy. (The smell and my good environmental choice, just to be clear.) Everything is synchronized in improving my next step. My productivity. My sense of accomplishment. I hide tons of rewards during (all) my daily sessions so I’ll always look forward to the next moment.

There is struggle though! Not everything is happiness and Disney-ish. I’m secretly lazy and many times I don’t want to do physical exercises. So I set small targets to keep me motivated, like watering my plants. Yes, watering flowers! (How Pirate-ish, isn’t it?) By walking with the full buckets of water through my yard I’m warming my body, train my balance and my mind and I immediately feel a sense of accomplishment and that small reward makes me want to do more. (Also the birds, bees and my dogs make it really Disney -ish like, so I smile even more.) Next, I hang on the bars of our solid steel drying frame to stretch my spine, muscles and nerves and see the beautiful table mountain. This is where I mostly start doing chin ups, pull ups, push ups, or any other ups fantasizing how amazing it would be to climb that mountain. (I still haven’t, so it’s on my bucket list.)

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Even priming them was a training. I wasn’t allowed to do chin ups until I made the bars shine again.

In between I spray paint my candle holders, pet my dogs, make necessary calls, send out positive messages and do stretching and breathing exercises. Again rewarding myself with small accomplishments and motivating myself with the next one.

When you plan too much of your day, you create a mountain that you can’t look over and you’re setting yourself up for a disadvantage and that can easily become a failure. By creating a small hill I can already see what I’m going to climb next. If I accomplish getting over the first hill. “Stretching out your comfort zone” I call it. I dislike phone calls so much I would almost say “hate” but I “hate” using the word “hate.” Negativity attracts negativity and positivity boasts creativity and productivity extends every comfort zone you have, so we’ll leave that word behind. Since my body doesn’t allow me a comfort zone, I create one mentally. Over and over during the day. This is what I mean when I write about #growstronger on my Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.

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Create a comfort zone outside of your comfort zone, create a bridge that allows you to walk that difference. Create opportunity. Create a mental and physical image of what you want to do and do the smallest step to see if you can achieve that in one day. Before you know, you have a balanced schedule like I own. I know it may seem easy for me to say, but find a way to make it easy for you. I did, through physical pain and the loss of a dear life.

In case you didn’t know… Hi, I’m Andy. I am a creative instigator. I create solutions.



My hands are tied, my body bruised
She’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

Frequently Answered Questions – FAQ #1

Yes I know, it should be Frequently Asked Questions, but I’m a pirate, whatcha gonna do ’bout it?

Anyways, this time I thought I give answers to questions I hear a lot. The most common questions are about my physique and although I wrote a blog about it, it keeps changing so much I can’t even keep track of it sometimes. Since my birthday is coming up next Saturday let’s make this a special blog and let’s start the first FAQ with the most common question asked:

Are you always in pain?

Yes, although, discomfort would be more the word to use here. I have pain on a daily basis but not constantly. It’s like playing with a light switch. It comes and goes during the day, only you don’t know when, where or how the light will go on. (It’s a real fun game!) There is always a sense of discomfort due to nerve damage and the most is while sitting (groin) or standing (sciatica.) I kind of have to move the whole time or find a balance between sitting, standing and lying down.

The results are several sensations, actually after analyzing it the last two years I could say two pains with a variety of sensations.

Pain 1: From my spine through my left leg it’s the sciatica. This results in discomfort and pain in the hip joint, hamstring, stiffness in the ankle.

Pain 2: Right groin. What the problem is exactly we don’t know but after various therapist and doctors, doctor El Hage helped me relief myself of the most part of the pain. It is a stuck nerve, I can clearly feel it at certain moments. Overlapping muscles and an infection also have had their fair share in keeping me in my bed for days. For the last 2 months it’s seems bearable thanks to Body Stress Relief and therapist Bjorn van de Ree. I still feel room for improvement and I keep working on this area by daily yoga exercises.

Plasma-Ball
A plasma globe or plasma lamp (also called plasma ball, dome, sphere, tube or orb, depending on shape)

To complete this all I have a consistent urge to go to the bathroom and when I’m touched on certain places it’s like touching a plasma ball but with nerves.

Why do you still walk with the cane?
I have temporally unbalances. These happen by a sort of short circuit in my nervous system. They feel like electrical shocks that can weaken me for a second. (This makes it seem like I’m drunk, but that’s only after 10.00 am.) These short moments have made me trip, fall and even break a toe (I still managed to finish my 100 days of 100 push ups, so no excuses! It was an epiphany to, or give up and be a cry baby, or show how bad ass I wanted to be… I still cried a little though…)

I mostly walk with my cane so I won’t scare people as I pass by and suddenly make a unbalanced move. Also, when walking or standing for longer periods of time it helps me with pain relief in my back and maintain a more healthy balance.

It also comes in handy when people try to steal my cookies! (Or chocolate cake!)

How often do you do yoga?
Every day! Well, almost every day. (Since March this year (2015) I really started doing it every day.) I have had some days that I just didn’t have the time because I had to rush to an early doctor’s appointment (my body is really stiff early in the morning) and twice because my body (brain!) just couldn’t (didn’t want to.) Lately I’m even more fanatic and I do poses through the day, during my work or between my strength training. It keeps me flexible, in tone (body and mind) and it helps controlling (or awaken) the nerve itches and burns. It also feels amazing to be able to control my body and to feel the progress in my balance.

Why do you train so hard?
I’ve heard some misconceptions from people. That I want to become big, muscled, toned but none of it is true. The most simple and honest answer I can give you? I want to be the best I can be! Body and mind. I use my body to control my mind and my mind to control my body. Some moments you need to shut up and push through and others you have to sit still and accept. I found a healthy balance that is always in an imbalance that I have to correct by doing strength or endurance training, yoga or just the most pure of all exercises, meditation.

I do yoga seven days a week. Strength training depending on how my body feels and reacts but 3 to 5 times a week if I’m able. I build a parkour around my workplace with equipment so I can work, train and play simultaneously.

Where do you get your motivation?
I am my motivation. If I can’t motivate me for myself for who else should I do it? What are my options? Work hard and you’ll get what you wish for, that’s my motivation. And the dreams I build being in the rehabilitation clinic. Seeing people who were less fortunate as me made me step up my game to be able to help them. So I help myself so I can help them. It started by fixing the tables for other patients in the clinic, making sure I was on time at the therapy session and creating a smile when I saw some of my fellow patients down. I committed myself to this goal and that’s why I started 2ndLife Curaçao. I can only accomplish my goal if I am as strong as possible. Balanced between the mind, heart and body.

My goal is to have the means to visit the rehabilitation clinic regularly and bring hope and joy to the people that are struggling. With 2ndLife Curacao I aim to even create or offer a job or some sort of re-education. My business started so I can help myself and them, and that vision is clear in my dreams. Eventually I want to have a workshop filled with inspiring and inspired people, so we can inspire a whole island with what’s possible, if you put your mind to it.

Do you consider yourself a role model?

No! Yes… I have to be…? I don’t want to but do I love to be one? It’s double, I don’t think I should be a role model. I’m too stubborn, too rough of a diamond, but heck, maybe that’s exactly
what’s needed. I noticed people admiring what I did (do) and I adjusted myself to that role. I still am. It’s not an easy role and the responsibility doesn’t always feel as something I want to carry.
But the cards are dealt, I’m playing a part that seems to be considered a role model. If I want to see the change I have envisioned I need walk upfront.

Just roll with it…

7A

Music of choice: Bob Marley – Get Up, Stand Up

You see, most people think great God will come from the sky
Take away everything and make everybody feel high
But if you know what life is worth, you would look for yours on earth
Now you see the light, stand up for your right

Curaçao; There where I was born

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Source: 1000 Awesome Things About Curacao

There where I was born.

There where the ground is too hard to grow your roots, but once you do they can never be unrooted.

There where there is always plenty of food.
Where a neighborhood raises a child, knows your secrets and acts like they don’t.

There where it’s so small you can travel it in a day, but get lost for weeks.
Where the beaches are made by nature and the rocks breathe the history of our magic.
There is even a place where you can hear a giant breathe…

Curaçao1836“Curaçao 1836”
by R.F./van Raders, Dl. Veelwaard jr. – University of Amsterdam Library. Licensed under Public Domain via Commons

It’s an island full of diversity that sometimes unifies us while other days it divides.
Our history, build on salt and blood.
A mix of Jewish ancestry, European adventurers and African diaspora that makes us proud while it still hurts.

We are an island emancipating. Released from a colonialism that blew over the west long after it was (supposed to be) gone.
We are a young nation with a future so bright as our sun but as dark as our oceans for we are afraid of what we are incapable of.

Indians and pirates.
Kings and queens.
We’ve had them all. We have a history that reads like a book.

We look forward to your visit but not yet sure of what we have to offer.

We are old, we are new, we are 42 nations combined on a special kind of rock.

Discover us, as we discover you.

Read more about Curacao:
Curacao Tourism Board
1000 Awesome Things About Curacao
Curacao Wiki
History Curacao
Cultures of Curacao
Caribbean; A novel by James A. Michener

Music of choice: Levi SilvanieAmi ta Korsou (I am Curacao)

#Superando

In April 2015 Levi Silvanie released a new single Superando accompanied with his most radical video clip yet. inspired by and featuring Alton Paas in a more than impressive way. The word superando was made common by Alton Paas and the Alton Paas Foundation to promote awareness and gain funds for spinal cord injuries (on his island Curacao) and his treatment abroad. In a collaboration Levi Silvanie found the inspiration to write another hit single and hard-hitting video clip with the help of some friends. Colombian film maker Octavio David Curiel and Bonairian Giovanni Giribaldie a.k.a. Zoinx (a.k.a. the rapping barber) they managed to bring a message across and a movement to life.

Alton Paas with in the back Zoinx
Alton Paas with in the back Zoinx

“To overcome your disabilities you need to use your abilities.”

With that in mind Levi Silvanie and his team produced a documentary concert in Teatro Luna Blou to release his new video clip. With their first performance immediately blowing away the visitors, participants and critics with a dramatic combination of audio and visuals. To start and finish this theater concert/show with speeches from Andy Kirchner (yes, it is I) and Alton Paas. Both dealing with our physical disabilities in our own special way and bringing that message forth.

We are #Superando!

Superando explanation:

Papiamentu:
Supera bo disabilitat ku bo abilitat.

English:
Overcoming your disability with your ability.

Nederlands:
Het overkomen van handicaps met je vaardigheden.

Superando is grew into a larger movement by bringing people together and fight adversities and connect diversities. It’s Levi Silvanie’s way of overcoming himself, and as spread his message over the world;

Overcome your disabilities and have the ability to become whoever you are #GsMeMiss!

Not only am I proud and honored to be allowed to be part of this project and movement, it has been a major inspiration to start writing my story as The Recycled Pirate as to partake in JCI IOBA’s Aspiring Creative Young Entrepreneur Award program (read more here *click click* and here *click click*)

I am just simply me, but together we are simply strong!

Together we can move a world!

Join my brother,

be #GsMeMiss!


#GsMeMiss | The translation:

Djis Mi Mes -‘Simply Me’

In the tram on my way to work
I look out the window and see how my life progressed
Traveling through the streets of my dreams
The place where I longed to be
with every tone out of my mouth
and string of my guitar
I can express

I would not waste a day on earth,
without giving it my best
I do not want to waste a day on earth
with regret

In a world full of evil, I want to be good
I want to be the right thing amongst the wrong
In a world full of evil, I want to be good
In any way, I want to be simply me

When I look in the mirror and see me
I see what others see of me
Nobody is perfect until they are not
That makes me who I am
Do not worry about what you do not have
Do what you can and give it your best
Believe in you with time your time will come

I would not waste a day on earth,
without giving it my best
I do not want to waste a day on earth
with regret

In a world full of evil, I want to be good
I want to be the right thing amongst the wrong
In a world full of evil, I want to be good
In any way, I want to be simply me

2015 04 13 Antiliaans Dagblad - Superando JPEG Edit 2
Antiliaans Dagblad – Superando – April 13 2015

Follow the movement on Facebook:
Levi Silvanie

Fundashon Alton Paas

The Recycled Pirate

2ndLife Curacao

Curaçao. Almost a decade on island time.

October 30th, it was nine years (9, that’s almost 10, right?) Nine years since I left the cold Dutch winters behind. And I promise you, I haven’t missed them since. Spring was my favorite time of the year, autumn the second best. Summer I always loved and the winters were a struggle between life and love and total disgust. The seasonal changes were always beautiful. To see the cycle of life come to terms in autumn, everything and everybody would bow their heads and bend under the colder weather till nature would sing its songs again. In springtime, suddenly a whole country sprouts out of their front doors and life opened like a flower in bloom. And it would continue, even disrupted by the yearly storms, that would suck every blow of wind away till the birds dropped dead from the sky in the summer heat.DSC00236

That exactly was the reason I could never truly love the Netherlands. As a kid, it was heaven, I loved the cold and the darkness of the clouds between the yellow leaves but as I grew up, my veins needed warmth and I just couldn’t take it any more. It took a trip (in my early twenties) to Spain, (a 6 month stay, more on that in another blog) where I finally realized what the missing ingredient was in my decaying love for the Low Countries.

It took another decade before I dared, but leaving the Netherlands was the best I could do. (There are tons of reasons, but I won’t explain that now. Yes, another blog…) When I stepped out of the plane, that had landed on the island where I was born,  I knew it was all or nothing. My stay could’ve been a goodbye before I left to adventure into some South American rain forest to disappear and to never been found again. Or, it would be my last big fat try at “adult” life and I’d become the man I thought that I was expected to be. Well, that was a deception… but not completely!

IMG_1014My life had been a struggle with very high highs and the absolute deepest of lows (one day, I promise!) What did I accomplish? How many times did I fail? Did I manage to make people happy? Did I create the impact I hoped for? In 2012 (May 19th, the date that will come back in many blogs) I thought everything was lost. That my life was over even if I didn’t die (Yes. I’ll blog about it. One day, some day.) I wished I could’ve given up.

Life changed, paralyzed I re-valued every memory. I evaluated every dark corner in my soul and found light every where I looked. I had made mistakes. I had lost people and trust that had mattered deeply to me. When I came to Curacao nine years ago life had never looked so dark and grim, but I had managed to turn it around. Not knowing the hardest was yet to come.Afbeelding 016

Nine years ago I wanted to become a guide and spent more time in nature, so I did and became a dive instructor by accident in the adjacent years. I worked with teenagers at the library as a youth station coordinator and we created a wave of awesomeness and energy. I fell in love, and lost her (twice). I found the job of my dreams and saw it disappear in to memories. I learned what true friendship really meant, and most of all, how to receive it.

I have felt lost (as I was warned when I left Holland) but I mostly, I felt found. Just as I lost it all.

 

Again…

 

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Riding my wheels outside the hospital (SEHOS)

I’ve seen many things, had more adventures than I could ever blog about, but I never felt the value of the accomplishment. Never the full satisfaction of being complete with what I did. There was always this dark void that held me back, pulled me down and messed with my head, cluttered my heart. Yet the past nine years have meant it all, for they have brought me… me. I found ME in all this mess. I stood up, literally, stood up. Fighting for life, I found the purpose I so desperately craved for. I found love, strength, will, hope, beauty, respect, power, determination! All in what should have been fear and despair. It would be easy to see these last 3 years as the “dark ages” but the opposite is true.

I have found this light burning deep in me, and I need to finally let it shine.

Let me learn, let me teach, let me give, let me share. I live for two and I live for something more…

Thank you my island! Never was I more sure, I’m here to serve you!

 

 

Music of choice: Foo FightersAll My Life

“All My Life”

Come down don’t you resist
You have such a delicate wrist
And if I give it a twist
Something to hold when I lose my grip
Will I find something in there
To give me just what I need?
Another reason to bleed
One by one hidden up my sleeve
One by one hidden up my sleeve

Hey don’t let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keeping me down [2x]

Will I find a believer
Another one who believes
Another one to deceive
Over and over down on my knees
If I get any closer
And if you open up wide
And if you let me inside
On and on I’ve got nothing to hide
On and on I’ve got nothing to hide

Hey don’t let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keeping me down [2x]

All my life I’ve been searching for something
Something never comes never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I’m getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope
All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around, when it’s taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most
Feel it come to life when I see your ghost

And I’m done, done and I’m on to the next one [8x]

[Yelling:]
Done, done, on to the next one
Done I’m done and I’m on to the next one [2x]

Hey don’t let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keeping me down [2x]

[Yelling]
Done, done and on to the next one
Done, I’m done, and I’m
On to the next

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