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THE RECYCLED PIRATE

(Re)Creator of life | Rebel by cause

Month

July 2015

Forever my “Wicked Games”

Zanzibar, Curacao.Always the mysterious lady

One Saturday night.
Many, many moons ago…

She looked at me. She listened. She whispered. She smiled.

That smile. That smile. That huge beautiful smile. That brief touch…

Surrounded by friends, yet she stood there as if she was mine. So close by. She captivated everything of me in a few single breathes. She showed me a beautiful a human being. She .

Time has past and distant remained. She is nothing more than a beautiful memory, a fantasy, but as true as fantasies can be.

That night, the sand touched our toes, our words each others hearts.
We heard the ocean brake and felt the gentle brush of the salted wind.

It was magic in a new moment that was gone as quick as she had come…

She became a muse in her silence and we stayed connected by the sand that remembers us.

Until this day, she is my “Wicked Games.”

Music of choice: Chris Isaac – Wicked Games

“Wicked Game”

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you.

No, I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don’t want to fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you, with you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game you play to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you

And I wanna fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No, I wanna fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you.The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I’d love somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you,

No, I wanna fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No, I wanna fall in love (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
With you (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
No, I… (this girl is only gonna break your heart)
(this girl is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no one.

Writer(s): Chris Isaak
Copyright: C. Isaak Music Publishing Co.

About that clip though…

Screen shot Wicked Games - Helena Christensen

Certain moments I fill up with tears

There are certain moments I realize what I lost and what I’ve accomplished. How deep my fall was and how high I’m reaching up. Certain moments I fill up with tears and wonder where I was all these years I’ve been alive. There were moments I wondered why it took such drastic matters for me to find myself although I can’t be bothered with finding that answer. I will create that answer myself.

“You have a spinal cord injury that has paralyzed you from the hips down. The feeling in your chest might recover but your legs will be a different story.”

“You have a 50% chance to stand on your own legs again, ever. Not to mention walking.”

“Bullshit! You don’t know what I’m capable of!”

Somebody said it and apparently it was me. As the word jumped out of my mouth a “sorry!” immediately followed.

And that was the bell for the fight.   *ding ding ding*

I refused to accept the words that filled me with fear, anger but weird enough, I didn’t despair. I could barely comprehend what happened to me, to Debbie, and didn’t realize what the future was going to bring but voices kept saying “you have to fight”. She was one of those voices.

My uncle visited later that afternoon and I asked him for a rope. “A thick one! It has to be strong.” “Why? Are you gonna hang yourself?” He joked. We laughed and I heard my voice say “Only if you keep nagging. No, I need to move. If I lay still I’m gonna lose…” And tears filled my eyes. The struggle wasn’t half as heroic as people think when they hear my story. I cried! I cried oceans! But, I tied that rope, surprised as I was that he brought it, to my bed with all efforts and crashing at least a dozen times on my foam rubber mattress. Eyes filled with tears I managed my first pull up fighting the thought;

“Do I deserve to be alive?”

“We’ll see when we get there, but you have to let go. Fight! Get out of here first.”

And more tears…

My inner voice always wanted to proof people wrong (or myself right…) I have heard (hurt) it all!

When they said I couldn’t dive no more, I became a Divemaster. My boss thought it was a waste of my efforts if I stopped there so he made me become an instructor.

I used to be a dancer when I was told I couldn’t dance. I was too white, too stiff. I was the worst of my class. So I became a salsa teacher.

I’ve been a poet, standing on several stages even though published poets said my work wasn’t good enough. So I gave classes and workshops for De Muzerie, a cultural foundation.

I became a DJ just because it seemed fun to give people a reason to smile. Other DJ’s laughed at me, so I put people dance on bars and brought a old, almost death, bar back to life.

Before that, I was a videogame store manager and won a best-selling award without knowing squat about games and that made me also become a game tester in my spare time.

I worked a half-year in Spain as a courier, I worked at the Loveparade 3 (or 4) years in a row. I’ve been a construction worker even though I hated the dust and the cold. I separated garbage, cleaned toilets, tossed burgers and was the go to man for two employment agencies.

Why? What did I know? Why did I care? I am dumb and filled with passion! I lived my life with so much passion. I have always felt the need to touch the world. Whatever I did, I did with pride, with heart. I always took that extra step.

I was once told that I was made to fail. It haunted me with every step I ever took. Till the day it didn’t matter anymore. I was death or about to die.

“Do I even deserve to be alive?”

I didn’t need to live but if I wasn’t going to die I would make it the best fight I ever fought. I needed to live for two. I needed to fight for two. She will not be forgotten. So day after day I dried my tears and I promised again and again:

“I will give my all and live my life, for us.”

“I will be the best I can ever be and then,  I will let you go.”

It took many falls to the knees and “be careful” from my mom. I burned my leg (2nd degree, and all I felt was an itch). I broke my pinky toe and sprained myIMG_1032 ankle (oh the itch!) The tightened hamstrings, that felt like they would pop any move I made. I collected bladder infections, urinary infections (due to catheter use). I had countless of muscle strains and a whole lot more that nobody knew (not even my mom) or will ever know.

But I live. I love. I smile. I walk. I feel. All is good and sometimes it’s bad or just less. But, I made a new promise and I needed to build a new life. I promised to let go…

The lie “yes, I’m fine” had become the truth.

It can never be as bad as when I knew she was dying in my arms.

Music of Choice: NirvanaDumb

 

I’m not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
And I’m having fun
I think I’m dumb
Maybe just happy

I think I’m just happy
I think I’m just happy
I think I’m just happy

My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We’ll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we’ll come down
And have a hangover

Have a hangover
Have a hangover
Have a hangover

Skin the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
Soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up

I’m not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
And I’m having fun
I think I’m dumb
Maybe just happy

I think I’m just happy
I think I’m just happy
I think I’m just happy

I think I’m dumb (x12)

Songwriters

KURT COBAIN

Read more: Nirvana – Dumb Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Waker des dagens

Als een vreemde bespied ik mijzelf
kijkend in de spiegel zie ik een oudere man
waar gister nog een jochie stond.
Ik ben al honderd keer gestorven,
terwijl de radio nog hetzelfde klinkt.

In die zelfde nacht is mijn spiegelbeeld verdorven.

De dagen lijken langer
de vergrijzing jonger
ik huil andermans tranen
en zie de dagen waken.

Ik zie de nachten sterven
als de sterren van ver komen
om te zeggen:

“Huil, om alles te kunnen dragen,
maar onthoudt… Lach straks, want
jij, bent de waker des dagens…”

Andy Kirchner 2004

A leap of words

It were words.

It isn’t so much about love. It isn’t weakness. It isn’t about what it wasn’t but it is a way to embrace life.

It was an adventure as you could only imagine as you were riding the rollercoaster. As it went up and round, side to  spin, upside down and drops with a speed that makes you puke yet everything feels so tingling and nice.

It has a simple four letter word. It’s called “life”.Andy Kirchner GsMeMiss

It comes with other four letter words influenced by love and hate. It comes with surprises. Spoilers, because it’s you already knowing the end. Even if not, it’s still you. Your choices without you ever realizing it. Telling you; You go on. You go left or … You turn right. You’ve seen where it ends in darkness or light. Whether you believed it or preferred the lie. You choose and disembark in the direction of choice.

So I chose…

I chose to build. An air castle, a sand yard and paint my clouds whiter than white and my lightning bolts brighter than bright.

I chose to live, to write, to create and to give it all away. I chose to create a thunder that will resonate in her name.

I chose to love. That way the memories will always stay.

 

Music of choice: Ben Harper – With my own two hands

 

Dushi ku bo ta

Dushi ku bo ta

pretu bo kabei
pretu bo wowo.

Dushi ku bo ta
den mi brasa bo por deskansa.

Dushi ku bo ta
ku tur bo amor
mi rason pa biba

Den bo brasa, mi ke landa…
Den bo brasa, mi ke drumi…
Den bo brasa, mi ke muri…

Dushi ku bo ta,
den mi sono, mi senora…

Dushi ku bo ta,
pa semper mi stimabo.

Andy Kirchner 2000

Why I mostly say no, but yes, appreciate you asking

 

“You need to make more time for your friends Andy. You can’t work all the time. Just like you make time for yoga and exercise, you need to make time to socialize. Grab a beer. Stretch the legs.”

Quietly I read these words again and I filled up.

With these wise words Lisa kind of obligated me to write this blog. Because she’s right…
(I said it. I just told the woman she’s right. This is going to hunt me for days!) 
But she makes a point that is not only sweet but that’s true appreciation. I was touched. Flattered. She spoke her mind and I loved her for it. Still, I couldn’t give her a yes as an answer…

I do have an excuse though, I think…

I live a life of limitations. Not because I want to nor choose to, but because my body has to. It has limitations on what stress it can handle on one day. Stress in standing, sitting, hearing or any form of contact with any form of substance. I have severe nerve damage from my lower back to my legs and that brings a whole disco of feelings with it. Forcing it will pay back in pain. Pain that some days I love for it pushes me to accomplish things that didn’t seem possible two years ago. Pain that some days I hate for it will penetrate so deep in my day-to-day activity that just a word can shatter all my hopes and believes (be it for short periods of time. I am that stubborn!) That pain I is the pain I have to deal with. Alone. If I’m going to be in pain, it has to be of my choosing and for my benefit. So I lift weights. I bang cans, I paint wood and listen to loud music to keep the white noise out.

Explaining this to Lisa I realized nobody exactly knows my pain because I never told her, them except for my mother. I don’t want to dwell in pain, weakness or any other form of negatives (like pity.) By not talking about it I make it as non-existent as possible till it slaps me in the face. The only ones seeing this are my parents as they see my smile fade now and then. I also realized by not sharing this, I lock people out who try to be part of my existence. Who try to be a friend. So let me show you my appreciation by letting you in on one of my few secrets.

Let me first explain where and how I have pain, pains to be more precise.
First my lower back, it becomes sore and stressed by sitting in wrong ways (which, unfortunately, is most chairs.) Second, my right groin (to more exact, from my right testicle to my right knee). This pain is the worst! It has many ways to express its feelings of discomfort to me. (It’s like a nagging child that doesn’t get what it wants, so it rolls over the ground, crying, yelling, stomping their feet.) Sitting is very (very, very, very) uncomfortable. Many times straight up painful due to the amount of pressure on the muscles in my groin and there for it feels very “nasty” on my nerves. The pain varies from pressure to stinging to even carving a very sharp blade through my right groin like you fillet a fish (and now imagine this for hours and hours like one of those horror movies.) Once this pain takes over it comes with headaches or even difficulty breathing and there is no comfort for it other than to stretch like your sanity depends on it (believe me, it does.) (I can’t compare it to anything other than want to stick a knife in my leg and pull the nerves out one by one. Now place yourself in public while you’re feeling these wonderful sensations.)

Siatica
Sciatica

Then there is my sciatica on my left side. It’s a long nerve from your spine towards the tip of your toes. This pain, slash discomfort (I don’t want to sound too whiny, but damn!) is an annoyance in my left buttock/hip, painful tight in my hamstring, block or tightens my ankle (these are the reasons why I limp) and constantly feel like something cold or burning is “flossing” or “running” in my leg. You can make that legs actually.

If this still isn’t enough to keep me occupied, I have a twinkling sensation in both my thighs, calves and feet, deep into my soles. (These are the cause of my imbalance and make me look and feel like a drunk pirate the whole day.) It literally sucks the energy out of me. It can literally destroy my thinking progress. Many times “the man with the hammer” comes unexpectedly to knock me on my knees. If I refuse to listen he knocks me of my feet end kicks me while I’m down (why not? Mother nature wouldn’t be fun if she wasn’t cruel.) Recovery is as gruesome as the pain it self. The absolutely worst is, I can’t stand feeling weak *Insert exclamation mark(s)* So I smile. I smile that damn pain away because it could be worse.

Are you tired yet? Fed up reading?
Hold on, almost there… (Let’s keep this party going as we are on the subject.)
I have a hearing problem with my left ear that let’s me absorb all the background noises but not what you are telling me straight in my face. So I focus so hard to keep contact with you, reading your lips and hearing what you are telling me while I block the rest of the world, my pains (and always thinking brain) out. Still, after an hour(s) my head starts exploding. I get tired standing but can’t sit because my groin feels like skinned meat. I can’t stand straight much longer, because my hamstrings feel like they’re about to snap. My left knee hurts because of the pressure on it. My head starts banging even harder and now comes even the worst part…

I need to use the rest rooms but I can’t unless I use a catheter.

http://www.americannursetoday.com/reducing-catheter-associated-urinary-tract-infections/
http://www.americannursetoday.com/reducing-catheter-associated-urinary-tract-infections/

A catheter brings the risk of infections (after a couple I know they make my life even more fun and challenging so why not) so let’s us these very hygienic places to stick a 40 centimeter tube in my wiener and act like it’s all peachy (I let a friend watch once and he left the party within minutes, he’s black but turned so pale everybody noticed and asked what happened.) It makes me restless yet I stay calm. I’m the pirate! Nobody messes with that attitude but my body grows tired if I want it or not (age is probably also a factor, ehm…)
Now comes the next and last part…

I want to leave. But wait, I don’t have a car nor a driver’s license so I can’t leave because somebody has to bring me home and I live in the middle of the bush bush and this makes me feel guilty for them leaving wherever we are. Even when I get home it isn’t over, it’s the start of one to two hours nerves ripping my sanity apart while they find their zen back and the house party in my head calms back down after I take a dosage of Temazepam and do breathing exercises.

So when I say no to you, I say yes to myself. I say no to 1 or even 2 days (or even a week) of recovery, but I say yes to your gesture. I appreciate it much more than you’ll understand. However, I learned that everything I do, whether I like it or not, I pay for eventually. Physically. Today, tomorrow or even the day after that.

I did find a way to deal with all of this though. It’s been a puzzle of three years and something. Of sitting in cars waiting for people to drive me home. Of sitting in corners and acting like I’m fine. Till this January the missing piece fell right in my lap after a week of meditation trying to recover from an over excited Christmas week and new years eve. It’s called “balance.” It’s this magical thing. It’s giving me the strength to get through a day by eating healthy, exercise hard, create good pains while lessen the bad and breathing deeply. Oh and rest of course (funny how as an adult you suddenly appreciate naps.) I do what I can do because I give it my all. I work hard! Train hard! Rest hard! Often I push my limits so far that I’m too tired to feel pain when I finally rest otherwise it hurts even more when I lie down.

So, it’s not you. It’s not you I say no to, it’s the pain, the discomfort. The loss of not just one night, the day(s) following behind it. I know I’m not the best at socializing, I’m not the best-est of friend. I am a true friend though and give you an answer honestly. I don’t like whining and can’t stand weakness so I smile. I smile through all this pain as if it’s nothing. I smile because it’s my medicine. It’s my hope.

I let you into my life without any doubt but I like to keep all that pain out of it. So…

I’m not saying no to you, I’m saying yes to tomorrow. I’m saying yes to life!

Music of choice: Eddie Vedder – Society

Quotation-Eddie-Vedder-live-pain-Meetville-Quotes-155523

The whispers of a nutcase

Have you heard the words
every time she comes by
the whispers of a nutcase
with a heart full of nothing
and a nothing full of heart

Like an occupation
I long for the magic
letting the words divide
leave my heart
a comeback from the dark

It’s been me, all this time
please, let her heart finally
be with mine…

Andy Kirchner 2012

Beating negativity with positivism

Everybody has his/her opinion. Good or bad. Everybody has the right to express themselves. Good or bad. Now ask yourself, if all you do is express what you don’t like, how much will that help improve your case?

Everywhere I go they have discussions in corners at parties, at the bar, at offices. Opinions are crushed and shattered without the slightest consideration that they both might be right. (Or wrong, who knows) The more they drink, the more they talk. The more they judge. Discussions get heated. “Hear my opinion.” “Believe my believes.” The internet didn’t make it easier (actually it did, it made it too easy. Hence my blog…) It gave everybody a platform to express themselves. A chance to offend one another. A method to force an opinion down every throat that passes by. We now have the chance to reach tens, hundreds or either millions of people if we play our cards right. Social media we call it. Social media has its dark corners and have shown an unsocial media/society when it comes to different opinions. Religious vs. atheist, politics, traditional and progressive thinkers. It’s almost a constant battle field. Even breast-feeding moms flopping them all out against some easy offended bystander. And everybody asks the same question:

“Where has the world come to?”

It is nothing new, it’s just more in our face. Learn our history, we used to tear people in four parts for having different skin colors, burn women for playing with herbs. We crucified people who supported different believes. We stoned the “sexual confused” and took the last dignity away from people confused by love. Nothing has changed other than the level where the game is being played upon. People still judge, others still don’t want to be judged and both are happening 24 hours a day straight up in your face now a days. While some liberate themselves from public shame and society’s pressure I decided to do the same. Just in a different way…

It took one day, just one moment on that one day to be precise. And I said “ENOUGH!”

I just decided I am not going to be part of this any more. Society seems to prefer negativity over positivism and  I am not going to be steered in society’s direction anymore. Your, nor mine, opinion is that much of a matter. You are allowed to believe or think whatever you want. I will believe whatever I want! I am mine!

There I was lying in my hospital bed. Paralyzed. Hope was hanging by a thin thread. All I had was the little strength I had left in my head. Just that tat bit of passion for life kept me on an unknown heading. There was this one visitor that just came at the wrong time with the wrong words that made me snap. Disbelieve and believe hit me at the same time. (How dare you be negative at my bed. About my life. About my future. Even if I’m going to be in a wheel chair for the rest of my life). STOP!

To be able to fight myself through whatever I needed to get through, I needed to believe in myself. I needed my strength, my faith, my hope and every single drop of “me” that I had left in me. Not more doubts, not more worries, GOD’s or angels or saints. I needed me. I can still feel the anger when I snapped, lying there while others told me they were scared, they were worried. Instead of dealing with fears, I needed to deal in hopes. I needed to deal in smiles. So I decided I had to change.

Rehabilitation wasn’t one step, it was a process. A mental strength camp. I quickly realized that the only way for me to get anywhere was to see what I had, not what I lost. To see the positive and not focus on the negative. If I wasn’t dead, I needed to live. It is so easy to write it but it was more difficult than just that. Every time visitors came and went I learned a lesson, what I read in their eyes was what I needed to hold on to. I wasn’t going to let anybody leave thinking I would quit. If I wanted to live, I had to see in their eyes that they believed I could live. I approached negativity with positivism and imagesaw my world change in front of me.

I have made it my trademark along the way. It’s not easy nor does it come naturally to me. Some days the pain really eats me from the inside out. It’s only positivism that keeps me from falling apart or lose hope. There is no remedy. There is no answer. There is just me, my strength, my hope.

Many times I’ve been asked:
“How do you do it?”

Almost every day I’ve asked myself that same question “How do I do it?”

Today I finally answered myself:

“Because I choose to!”

 

Music of choice: Pearl JamI am mine

The selfish, they’re all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

The North is to South what the clock is to time
There’s east and there’s west and there’s everywhere life
I know I was born and I know that I’ll die
The in between is mine
I am mine

The JCI IOBA competition (The after)

WE WON!

WE WON!

I’m still not realizing this. Maybe I should say it again… WE WON!

image

So many emotions. So many thoughts. So many thank you, well wishes, what’s next and other overwhelming responses. Yet I’m surprisingly calm. Yes, I’ve won, but I didn’t reach my goals yet. I made a new step in the direction I planned when I decided that my life wasn’t over yet.

3 Years ago my life was worth less than a nickel, I turned into a dime. I built it up to a dollar and now I’m multiplying that, everyday! (Funny I use money as a metaphor for money has never been a motivator, the opposite)

I’ve won… And I don’t even now what I’ve won, other than me. My own respect. My own love. Nothing has matter as much as just those two things in the last three years. I won a trophy, an amount of money, business support from several important local organizations but after the words fell “and the runner-up is…”

That moment…

The world stood still. I went deaf. My legs started trembling, I felt every nerve, I felt weak but yet so strong. I was ME!

I had done what I had promised myself. I looked for my parents. Their faces, that was my price. That was all I wanted and all I ever needed. All these people looking at me and I thought of my brother and sisters in the Netherlands. (Focus, don’t collapse.) I thought of the people believing in me. Motivating me to keep going. The people doubting me, their words “I don’t know about this” and I said thanks. Thank you all. Thank you all who did good and or bad. Thank you all who made mistakes and taught me what I don’t want to do, who I don’t want to be. Thank you all who showed me I was right. Who took my love on a stroll. Thank you all that forgave me my failures and… I heard myself talking and millions of images popped by from all these memories that brought me here and I cried.

Thank you Mirjam Reule for sticking up for me, believing in me and letting me push my boundaries even though you wondered sometimes if I was completely insane. Thank you SGR Verriet for accepting I was different and giving me the space to re develop myself. All the nurses, physical and manual therapists, you have no clue how important you’ve been and how important you are.

Thank you Heartbeat Wellness center. Jermain, Remi, your laughter, jokes and for making me climb stairs till I wanted to puke. Thank you for not only giving me a chance but seeing my potential and daring to take the risk and push me through my limits. You took my motivations and made it a whole new, bigger, meaner one. The tears of pain where (and are) fuel for gains!

Thank you Alex Rosaria and Pais for giving me a 2nd chance. For listening to me. Believing in me. Taking this risk with me. For willing to invest in people to build a nation from it’s lower ranks all the way up. For giving people with a disability a voice in a silent community. You were fuel on a beginning flame that continued to grow into a bigger fire since.

Thank you Levi Silvanie for giving me a place in your life. Your line up. We don’t need words, although we write. We love, and that says enough, that is our bond! Your words keep waking me up every day. (Ta’bo a sinami, ami ta Korsou)

Thank you Dino de Castro for giving me a chance when I lost myself. Julio and Sylvia for believing in me before I believed in myself (we may lost our way, but never our love). Jamie Cameron for showing me that doubts are weakness and everything can and will be used against you in the court of life. Your lessons were a preparation for what was yet to come.

To the 4 ladies flying to Bonaire when everything was a blur, you showed me I was worth. Without seeing you, you kept me hopeful, just knowing you were close.

Thank you to JCI IOBA for creating this event. For giving an impulse to an island desperate for (young) innovators and innovations. To all the sponsors; Banco di Caribe, CITI, KUBUSChamber of Commerce Curacao, Creative Lab, Workspot Curacao, The Business Connection, Gratida. Keep motivating and creating opportunities. You are what a small island needs to thrive on.

There are not enough thank yous to go around but every one earned will get his or hers eventually. Promised!

image

Read: JCI IOBA The Competion; The Before

Watch: JCI ACYEA Award 2015 ceremony at Marriott Hotel

Music of choice: The ScriptHall of fame

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