October 30th, it was nine years (9, that’s almost 10, right?) Nine years since I left the cold Dutch winters behind. And I promise you, I haven’t missed them since. Spring was my favorite time of the year, autumn the second best. Summer I always loved and the winters were a struggle between life and love and total disgust. The seasonal changes were always beautiful. To see the cycle of life come to terms in autumn, everything and everybody would bow their heads and bend under the colder weather till nature would sing its songs again. In springtime, suddenly a whole country sprouts out of their front doors and life opened like a flower in bloom. And it would continue, even disrupted by the yearly storms, that would suck every blow of wind away till the birds dropped dead from the sky in the summer heat.DSC00236

That exactly was the reason I could never truly love the Netherlands. As a kid, it was heaven, I loved the cold and the darkness of the clouds between the yellow leaves but as I grew up, my veins needed warmth and I just couldn’t take it any more. It took a trip (in my early twenties) to Spain, (a 6 month stay, more on that in another blog) where I finally realized what the missing ingredient was in my decaying love for the Low Countries.

It took another decade before I dared, but leaving the Netherlands was the best I could do. (There are tons of reasons, but I won’t explain that now. Yes, another blog…) When I stepped out of the plane, that had landed on the island where I was born,  I knew it was all or nothing. My stay could’ve been a goodbye before I left to adventure into some South American rain forest to disappear and to never been found again. Or, it would be my last big fat try at “adult” life and I’d become the man I thought that I was expected to be. Well, that was a deception… but not completely!

IMG_1014My life had been a struggle with very high highs and the absolute deepest of lows (one day, I promise!) What did I accomplish? How many times did I fail? Did I manage to make people happy? Did I create the impact I hoped for? In 2012 (May 19th, the date that will come back in many blogs) I thought everything was lost. That my life was over even if I didn’t die (Yes. I’ll blog about it. One day, some day.) I wished I could’ve given up.

Life changed, paralyzed I re-valued every memory. I evaluated every dark corner in my soul and found light every where I looked. I had made mistakes. I had lost people and trust that had mattered deeply to me. When I came to Curacao nine years ago life had never looked so dark and grim, but I had managed to turn it around. Not knowing the hardest was yet to come.Afbeelding 016

Nine years ago I wanted to become a guide and spent more time in nature, so I did and became a dive instructor by accident in the adjacent years. I worked with teenagers at the library as a youth station coordinator and we created a wave of awesomeness and energy. I fell in love, and lost her (twice). I found the job of my dreams and saw it disappear in to memories. I learned what true friendship really meant, and most of all, how to receive it.

I have felt lost (as I was warned when I left Holland) but I mostly, I felt found. Just as I lost it all.

 

Again…

 

6741157ebcbf11e181bd12313817987b_7
Riding my wheels outside the hospital (SEHOS)

I’ve seen many things, had more adventures than I could ever blog about, but I never felt the value of the accomplishment. Never the full satisfaction of being complete with what I did. There was always this dark void that held me back, pulled me down and messed with my head, cluttered my heart. Yet the past nine years have meant it all, for they have brought me… me. I found ME in all this mess. I stood up, literally, stood up. Fighting for life, I found the purpose I so desperately craved for. I found love, strength, will, hope, beauty, respect, power, determination! All in what should have been fear and despair. It would be easy to see these last 3 years as the “dark ages” but the opposite is true.

I have found this light burning deep in me, and I need to finally let it shine.

Let me learn, let me teach, let me give, let me share. I live for two and I live for something more…

Thank you my island! Never was I more sure, I’m here to serve you!

 

 

Music of choice: Foo FightersAll My Life

“All My Life”

All my life I’ve been searching for something

Something never comes never leads to nothing

Nothing satisfies but I’m getting close

Closer to the prize at the end of the rope

All night long I dream of the day

When it comes around then it’s taken away

Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most

Feel it come to life when I see your ghost

Come down don’t you resist

You have such a delicate wrist

And if I give it a twist

Something to hold when I lose my grip

Will I find something in there

To give me just what I need?

Another reason to bleed

One by one hidden up my sleeve

One by one hidden up my sleeve

Hey don’t let it go to waste

I love it but I hate the taste

Weight keeping me down [2x]

Will I find a believer

Another one who believes

Another one to deceive

Over and over down on my knees

If I get any closer

And if you open up wide

And if you let me inside

On and on I’ve got nothing to hide

On and on I’ve got nothing to hide

Hey don’t let it go to waste

I love it but I hate the taste

Weight keeping me down [2x]

All my life I’ve been searching for something

Something never comes never leads to nothing

Nothing satisfies but I’m getting close

Closer to the prize at the end of the rope

All night long I dream of the day

When it comes around, when it’s taken away

Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most

Feel it come to life when I see your ghost

And I’m done, done and I’m on to the next one [8x]

[Yelling:]

Done, done, on to the next one

Done I’m done and I’m on to the next one [2x]

Hey don’t let it go to waste

I love it but I hate the taste

Weight keeping me down [2x]

[Yelling]

Done, done and on to the next one

Done, I’m done, and I’m

On to the next

Advertisements