You don’t recover from a spinal cord injury. I don’t, apparently, even though I can walk again. Do not worry, I know how lucky I am to be alive, and I appreciate every moment for it. I feel lucky to not sit in a wheelchair. Most off all, I feel lucky that I know how to deal with my physical limitations. How to accept a lesser day and not let my mind control my thoughts. Still…
Some day I wake up and I feel:
You probably know the feeling. You have difficulty getting out of bed or difficulty getting your “engine” running. I have those days too. Those are not even the days I’m talking about, but they get as close as it can get. I’m talking about days that I want to get out of bed but my legs feel like spaghetti. That my tailbone feels on fire, my sciatica burns, my head is banging and my energy is just enough to walk from my bed to a chair. Wobbly like a drunken sailor on a ship cleaving through a rough sea.
You won’t hear me say the word hate often, however I hate to be weak, to feel weak, to act like I’m weak. To not have control what I’m about to do. And there isn’t much I can do about that either and that has been an internal struggle for sure. When I feel the earth moving, my legs shaking. Barely being able to stand on my own legs for a minute straight while I insert a catheter and aim for the bowl…
I have worked on myself to not let this get to me (as much) anymore. I take these days for what they are. A day to reflect. A day to write or to study. A day of (attempted) rest. To nothing. To feel, and intensely realize I’m human and be ok with being less for a day.
It doesn’t come as easy as it seems, I mean, these are the loneliest of days. These are the days that make me doubt what I’m doing and for what? But what if I fight it? What will I gain by resisting if I can win another day?
On days like these I don’t seek answers. I won’t get, what I want to hear or want to feel. I just have to accept: not today. Whatever happens with this day, it’s not lost for I have lived. I have conquered. The pain, my mind, the doubts, the discomfort. I have conquered and tomorrow we shall conquer more but for now, let’s leave it for what is…
It is just a bad day in a beautiful life.
I can help you deal with your bad days too. Reach out to me for more information:
Music of Choice: R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts