You don’t recover from a spinal cord injury. I don’t, apparently. Do not worry, I know how lucky I am to be alive, and I appreciate every moment for it. I’m lucky to not sit in a wheelchair. Most off all, I am lucky that I know how to deal with physical limitations. How to accept a lesser day and not let my mind control my thoughts. Still…
Some day you wake up and you feel:
You have difficulty getting out of bed or difficulty getting your “engine” running. I have those days too. Those are not the days I’m talking about, but they get as close as it can get. I’m talking about days that I want to get out of bed but my legs feel like spaghetti. That my tailbone feels on fire, my sciatica burns, my head is banging and my energy is just enough to walk from my bed to a chair. Wobbly like a drunken sailor on a ship cleaving through a rough sea.
You won’t hear me say the word hate often, however I hate to be weak, to feel weak. To not have control what you’re about to do. And there isn’t much I can do about that either and that has been an internal struggle for sure. When you feel the earth moving, your legs shaking. Barely being able to stand on your legs for a minute straight while you insert a catheter and aim for the bowl…
I have worked on myself to not let this get to me (as much) anymore. I take these days for what they are. A day to reflect. A day to write or to study. A day of (attempted) rest. To nothing. To feel, and intensely realize I’m human and be ok with being less for a day.
It doesn’t come as easy as it seems, I mean, these are the loneliest of days. These are the days that make you doubt what you are doing and for what? But what if I fight it? What will I gain by resisting if I can win another day?
On days like these you don’t seek answers. You won’t get, what you want to hear or want to feel. You just have to accept: not today. Whatever happens with this day, it’s not lost for I have lived. I have conquered. The pain, my mind, the doubts, the discomfort. I have conquered and tomorrow we shall conquer more but for now, let’s leave it for what is…
It is just a bad day in a beautiful life.
Music of Choice: R.E.M. – Everybody Hurts
Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you think you’ve had too much
Of this life, well hang on