I have loved more than I ever been loved. Yet I broke more hearts than mine was broken. Mine was, and is still, bruised and sore. It aches but it keeps wanting more. I tried to turn it off but I only managed to turn it down.
I am ok, with this, for now. I know nobody sets out on purpose to break another heart. I never have. I set out to please, to conquer, to heal or to cover. I tried to protect and failed and became the aggressor. I am sorry…
I was confused and I am still now. The difference with then and now, is that I’m not mistaking my love, I have learned it is true. I yearned for more since I was a small boy and set out to give what I could, for what I could not receive.
After 40 years I conclude, no one receives as deep as I do, for no one gives as hard as I can. That is my gift.
Now that might sound selfish, and it almost is, weren’t it for the fact that I know now, when I looked death in the eyes, that I would have preferred to die with her than return without her. I learned there and then that my heart was just.
In my beloved memory she still tells me to let go…
So I’m letting you go now.
Thank you for teaching me that my love was so pure that it changed your life, so you could let go too.
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.
It’s been a little over a year when I last stood in line to collect a welfare. I had just traveled 40 minutes to get there. I stood 15 minutes in line, looking at and observing the people surrounding me. I felt confused, “Why am I here?”
Without hesitation I walked away…
I left my money and never contracted them again!
It was October 2015.
2ndLife Curaçao Lampshade, Picture by Valerie Parisius.
I was receiving 160 guilders ($ 89) every two weeks. As long as I came downtown the money was mine. The walk from home the the bus stop, the bumpy travel in an inconvenient public transportation bus and waiting in line costed me half a day every two weeks. Not to mention the discomfort or the pain getting there. And then back home, dragging my feet. In the beginning I wobbled on two crutches. In the end with only one single cane. I enjoyed my trips for they were a sense of freedom, although the freedom was limited to the state of my physical condition yet the endurance was what would get me stronger, and if I got stronger, (I promised myself) I wouldn’t have to go anymore.
As I turned and walked away, fear and insecurities crossed my path. It was just at the exit, before crossing the street. “That’s still 160 guilders you’re leaving behind dude. You can’t afford stupidity!” But once a Pirate’s mind is set, there is no return. And this had to be done. I was stronger.
I had told my parents a week earlier that I was considering stop picking up my welfare. My business was official since 3 months. I had just won a prize proclaiming I was a “young aspiring entrepreneur” while selling people’s collected garbage back at them with a little paint and effort. I made it neat and shiny. My face had been on the cover of a magazine, I was the opening speaker for a music show. I was chained to a tree to create more awareness for animal care while Humans of Willemstad interviewed me and for a week my social media was crazy! I had this! I thought…
“You got this!”
I enforced on myself as I rammed my cain almost through the pavement waiting for the car to pass and I could cross the road of freedom.
“I’m getting my own car! Can’t have a business without a car.”
My mind was on rapid fire in an eerie calm I have felt many times since my accident in 2012.
“I got this!’
A year has passed, I’ve been around Curaçao to Sint Maarten and Aruba. I got my car. I got my business, and it grew. I found fears and I’m scared, I have my insecurities, but… Damn, this feels good! I made friends. I lost money. But, hé! I made it through. I made it better. And I made it even scarier (I need some new boxers…) and the future looks even more promising for I have grown.
When I doubt, I think of a mother that asked me to make candle holders for her kid’s baptism. A girl visiting from Canada, who told me of the passing of her father. I remember standing between senators of a local organization and hear their laughter. I remember standing on stage telling my story dropping all the weight so this all could start.
I get goosebumps thinking of the day I picked up the car keys and drove home in the dark. With my eyes filled with tears, driving, seeing the wheelchair I had left in my room, a couple of years earlier, not willing to touch it. I did the TEDx talk I dreamed of while still in the clinic riding the hometrainer. There are so many snapshots I could fill a book about a lifetime, but I’m not promising that (yet.)
I do, however, remember I promised I would never stop loving. Do I didn’t… Love has brought me here and love will take me further. I have been called many things in my life but only one word stuck when all others shaded. I gave when I had nothing, and I received a world full of LOVE.
So you may guess what more is coming… Just catch and release…
There’s a place I go to
Where no one knows me
It’s not lonely
It’s a necessary thing
It’s a place I made up
Find out what I’m made of
The nights I’ve stayed up
Counting stars and fighting sleepLet it wash over me
I’m ready to lose my feet
Take me off to the place where one reveals life’s mystery
Steady on down the line
Lose every sense of time
Take it all in and wake up that small part of me
Day to day I’m blind to see
And find how far
To goEverybody got their reason
Everybody got their way
We’re just catching and releasing
What builds up throughout the dayIt gets into your body
It flows right through your blood
We can tell each other secrets
And remember how to loveThere’s a place I’m going
No one knows me
If I breathe real slowly
Let it out and let it in
It can be terrifying
To be slowly dying
Also clarifying
We end where we begin
So let it wash over me
I’m ready to lose my feet
Take me off to the place where one reveals life’s mystery
Steady on down the line
Lose every sense of time
Take it all in and wake up that small part of me
Day to day I’m blind to see
And find how far
To go
Everybody got their reason
Everybody got their way
We’re just catching and releasing
What builds up throughout the day
It gets into your body
And it flows right through your blood
We can tell each other secrets
And remember how to love
Everybody got their reason
Everybody got their way
We’re just catching and releasing
What builds up throughout the day
And it gets into your body
And it flows right through your blood
We can tell each other secrets
And remember how to love
When I doubt, I think of a mother that asked me to make candle holders for her kid’s baptism. A girl visiting from Canada, who told me of the passing of her father. I remember standing between senators of a local organization and hear their laughter. I remember 
