We are afraid of being judged. We are afraid of being hurt. We are afraid to lose. We are afraid of shame. We are afraid of being who we can truly be because fear is easier than to stand for what we really believe.
We prefer to quote some mystic words than to bare our soul. We prefer to read the knowledge of the past than to discover the future for ourselves.
Do you see yourself? The real you? The one that loves? The one that has dealt with loss? The one that lies, cheats and steals? The one that hides the truth instead of seeking a solution? Do you realize how much you’ve been hurt and how much pain you have caused? Do you accept the doubts and turn them into truths?
Do you look in the mirror and recognize the face you’ve seen over the years? Do you love that person internally? Eternally? Or can you be honest and say:
“Nah, not today”
Do you dare to say that you’ve been stupid or dumb? That you’ve been harsh and wrong? That you’ve been rash and deserved the burn?
Once you’ve accept all that, that lesser side of you. The faulty bits and pieces? You can bolt them. That’s where you can build again. That’s where you can strengthen your foundation and clean the mess surrounding it. You can not start over. Sorry to say, but the layers that have been there for years can not be forgotten. But… They can be accepted and reconstructed.
It’s not an easy task and it takes a lot of commitment. But the truth is, if you invest in you, you make your world a better place. Your future, your destiny, your peace of mind. Only than can you love all that is, for what it’s truly worth. You are a beautiful human being.
Now let go of one fear, to start with. And become your own creator!
The most asked question “What’s with the Pirate?” is the most unanswered one because no one gets what it really is. It is not to others to understand, yet, here I go explaining myself…
No, not me, but why I use the “Pirate.” People see the “funny” of it, however what most don’t seem to get is what is meant with the “Recycled” in front of it and the combination of three unifying words. They don’t define me. Nothing can. It is just a tool for recognition so our human minds can somewhat understand.
It is all in the shade of the words. As a, somewhat, poet with a mystical twist and love for symbolism it took me a journey of two years to find something I would carry. A definition, but one that I crafted. The, as in, The Recycled Pirate, is for “I am.” I am just as you, one of a kind. The one of a Kind! For the other two words, well let’s sit down and go down memory lane.
The Pirate has stuck with me since my childhood. My mom used to buy me tons of books as a kid. If there is something she has spoiled me with, it was books. One of them, a childhood favorite. was a birthday gift about two boys being stranded (many centuries ago) in Hispaniola and becoming Buccaneer’s to survive. This has always stuck with me since I came from an island where I felt stranded, and misunderstood. Too many times I heard what I should’ve done instead of supported what I could’ve become. I was called a rebel and “up to no good.” While all that was of the matter was that “they” just didn’t understood.
Pirates are non conformist. Many of them have a bad name. And looking back at history, the time they lived in is not well-known for gentle behavior. However, many pirates joined a crew as means of survival and breaking with the status quo. They were free yet part of a community. And that was what I want, be together, but be who you want to be. So I joined many crews over the years.
For as long as I can remember I cared for others and how we are treated. To hear one thing while something else was done was just wrong and because I refused to live by these rules, “they” called me a rebel. The times that it was explained to me went against my logic. I treated everyone with the same respect they treat me, or the lack of it.
It took a long journey and literally had to cross seas to get where I want. Yet, it wasn’t until that same sea nearly cost my life that I realized what my life was about.
I HAD TO CHANGE COURSE.
I HAD TO RECYCLE LIFE!
I gave life second chances, in all its forms, physical, mental, material and spiritual. As you read in many of my blogs I’m not your regular rebel. I’m a warrior with a cause. Life is love, and love is what it’s all about. I am willing to die for it!
I love life for all its aspects but I have no illusions that I’m in control. I take it as it comes and give it as it goes. I am patient with myself as I am with my surroundings. I am loving to others as long as they are willing to love themselves.
I don’t look for the easy way out but for the best way to create opportunities to grow me and my community.
My life was a waste. Literally. For many years I was ruled by cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, sex, it was all so good but none of it brought me the life I desired. Insecurities, fear and anxiety destroyed hopes and dreams. “They” said I was “up to no good.” I was a mess till I lost my life. I didn’t die. I could still breathe, but everything else died in front of me…
Not being able to move. Being pushed in a bed from one room to another. Being fed and cleaned by people I never met. Waiting for any visitor to brighten my day. I realized I had to take this life, and recycle it. Take everything bad and use it for good. Take every doubt and use it to build trust. To take every weakness and to build strength. Fearless like a Pirate I tied a rope to my bed and pulled myself up for I was ready for one more fight!
Bonaire, May 2012. Picture by my mother, Caresse Victoria.
It started with gaining physical strength that I needed to be able to care for myself. The confidence came with it. Study my patterns. Improve my skills. Gaining control over my thoughts by simply accepting I had lost, and now I had everything to gain. I changed my diet and learned to breathe. It meant learning a whole new me. A whole new lifestyle. Letting go of all the limiting thoughts that were passed on to me and pirateer my future. Refuse the wheelchair, refuse the diapers, refuse being helpless! Stand tall, straighten your back, breathe deep and exhale it all out.
I am the man who changed life when life changed me. I am a rebel with a cause, a child at heart, and a lover of life. I am the man that will change my world with my own two hands and the will of my mind.
However, I was taught to fear others and the words they might speak. The thoughts they might think. But my inner struggle said: “I am not responsible for what they create in their brain.” So I let go of those demons and lived as much as I could live.
I have lived so hard and lost so much that I can fill books with adventures. When in Spain running from the police. In Germany I raved the night away. Belgium I saw passing through to too many stories I can tell. And in France, lost in the 18th arrondissement, befriended a hooker and found my way out. I sat in trains and fell in love with mountains and forests that I would never see again. I have seen more countries than I can remember. I lived in three, traveled through more. I ate their food and learned their customs. I paid respect and got served more. I kissed a stranger and we watched each other disappear in the distance. It was all in the cycle of life before I chose this place for its starry skies.
I have won hearts and saw many slip and disappear. I have danced, soaking wet, in the rain. I made love on top of a mountain and dived the deep ocean. I sat on the bottom, looked up and saw just one shimmering light. I felt alive yet knew death was around the corner.
I laughed so much my belly hurt for days. I cried so many tears I thought I would dry and life would be the remains of a desert oasis.
I saw a baby come out her mother’s womb, felt the feelings of a father and in that same lifetime, I saw a life go lost in my arms. In all that happened in this life I always chose to love. I choose to share for I feel we are hiding afraid to be hurt, while hurting ourselves. I prefered to feel the pain than not have tried.
With all those ups and downs, the waves and the turning of the tide, I chose me. It’s not for you to understand…
But I always remained me!
For more information:
Music of Choice: Pearl Jam – Release me
I see the world
Feel the chill
Which way to go
Windowsill
I see the words
On a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain
Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll ride the wave
Where it takes me
I’ll hold the pain
Release me
