I am not afraid to show myself. I never was…
However, I was taught to fear others and the words they might speak. The thoughts they might think. My inner struggle however kept repeating:
“I am not responsible for what they create in their mind.”
So I let go of those demons and lived as much as I could live.
I have lived so hard and lost so much that I can fill books with adventures. When in Spain running from the police because I walked into the wrong street at the wrong time. In Germany I raved the night away, this time with the police by my side. Belgium I saw passing through too many stories I can’t tell from cars, trains and a hotel room with the most mysterious view. And in France, lost in the 18th arrondissement, I befriended a hooker and found my way out with a croissant in my hand and a smile on my face. I sat in trains and fell in love with mountains and forests that I would never see again. I have seen more countries, cities, towns and villages than I can remember. I lived in three, traveled through more, stayed in many before we moved along. I ate their food and learned their customs. I paid respect and got served more. I kissed a stranger and we watched each other disappear in the distance. It was all in the cycle of life before I chose this place for its starry skies.
I have won hearts and saw many slip and disappear. I have danced, soaking wet, in the rain. I made love on top of a mountain and dived the deep ocean. I sat on the bottom, looked up and saw just one shimmering light. I felt alive yet knew death was around the corner.
I laughed so much my belly hurt for days. I cried so many tears I thought I would dry and life would be the remains of a desert oasis.
I saw a baby come out her mother’s womb, felt the feelings of a father and in that same lifetime, I saw a life go lost in my arms. In all that happened in this life I always chose to love. I choose to share for I feel we are hiding afraid to be hurt, while hurting ourselves. I prefered to feel the pain than not have tried.
With all those ups and downs, the waves and the turning of the tide, I chose me.
It’s not for you to understand…
But I always remained me!
For more information:
Music of Choice: Pearl Jam – Release me
I see the world
Feel the chill
Which way to go
I see the words
On a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain
Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll ride the wave
Where it takes me
I’ll hold the pain