I have this deep, deep, deep intimate connection with myself. 

It is deeper than touch and filled with an intense fulfilling emotion. It is a strength covering a core of vulnerability. It would almost feel unreal, if I didn’t experience it myself. It’s untouchable but not unbreakable.

It is almost five years ago that I saw someone close her eyes forever in my arms and I made her a promise:

“I will live for the both of us.”

This initiated a transformation that I am still part of today. I am no saint, nor a hero. I’m far from perfect actually and I’m not afraid to confront myself with it. I was a simple boy, full of insecurities that had to grow into a man in a split second. I had to stumble, literally, over hurdles to become who I am. I set a standard and raised it every time it was met. 

I could always do one more step. On more smile. Right? (I had to ask myself.) What I held back for years, exploded into a force that propels me forward, taking life as it comes. Revolving, always revolving and no way to be stopped.

I didn’t know for sure till I tried. I wrote it down, I cried it in paper and defined who I was. Who I wanted to be. This time for real. I had to serve and create this thing bigger than me. I promised her! I promissed myself. And I urged myself to be patient.  

“Learn.”

“Discover your core. Work harder. Rest longer.”

“Learn more.”

“Grow wiser. Grow stronger”

And I trusted myself as I had never done before. And then… I let it all go…

In four years, I learned to walk. Learned to live. Started a business with nothing but some chump change to learn to work and that work build a life I never thought was possible. Four years I worked towards the moment and the moment never came for I said every time I got close:

“Just a little bit more.”

I was living what I had promised her. No guilt, no blame, no judgement. Just this enormous spiritual garden where I can walk around and pick the feelings that I need and water the ones that should grow. Weed the ones that are harmful while I harvest what is ripe and give to the world what I believe to know.

Dealing with depression, pain, loss, anxiety and insecurities has been a part of my past. And because of that it will be part of my future. Although I have made an alternative choice, I will use all my knowledge to better the world surrounding me. In my new life, I have this deep intimate connection with myself. I feel life, I smell life and I see life in a brighter light than I ever imagined. I trust myself to be aware of my surroundings, inherently seeing that everything is free. I feel the love that I give and that I may receive. Therefore I am free, I have found a way to share this deep passionate feeling that I had inside me all these years.

I am mine, but my gift to you, is yours to keep.

 

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Music of Choice: Pearl Jam – Garden

I don’t question
our existence
I just question
our modern needs

I will walk…with my hands bound
I will walk…with my face blood
I will walk…with my shadow flag
into your garden
garden of stone

after all is done
we’re still alone
I won’t be taken
yet I’ll go…

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