Did I fail?
It’s been five years…
It’s been more than just that, years. But counting the years, one, two, three, four, five, is easier to explain and to grasp with so much that has happened and so much that still goes on. It has been a mental rollercoaster. Not to mention the body tumbling part.
This isn’t something I can easily brush off. Nor would I want to, out of respect for the ones involved. Five years of waking with pain daily. Five years of so many questions, and just as many answers.
Someone closed her eyes in my arms to never open them again. Of everything I could’ve gone through, that was the last thing I would ever expect to happen.
Now I had to accept it.
I made the promise of life and living is what I did. But was it enough so far? Did I give it my best shot?
So many things happened. From learning to walk, to learning to fall and stand back up. Sticking plastic tubes in my body to empty my bladder, using pills and needles to relax my muscles. Falling again, standing up, accepting the tears, the loss. Breaking a toe, committing to 100 push-ups for 100 days. Growing stronger. Growing wiser. Day by day. Learning to be tough but also learning to be an empath.
Making friends, opening up while I just wanted to hide in shame. Study while I was resting, talking when I was sad, laughing when I was glad. Learning to be vulnerable. Learning to be ok with who I was.
I learned to share and to accept. Let go of limitations, shame, pain, loss, lack… Everything that was holding me back. The beauty comes from within when you embrace the lack of abundance to create it from this heartfelt feeling.
Five years of giving it my all to deserve the right to live and to love. For myself. For my past. For the person who would never be there to clean up the mess I felt I was stuck in for so many years. I feel I succeeded, yet I lost. As you accomplish your dreams, new ones are being build. It’s called evolution, a form of survival and those feelings are strong in us. And nothing is ever enough.
I succeeded everything I set my mind to, personal, business, family, and even love. But not my body. Not my body…
The thing I need the most to complete my dreams, to help others, that thing just keeps breaking down. And I have accepted, this last part might not be fixable. What I also accepted is that it is a gift to keep me grounded, to make me grow beyond my body. To help others see beyond limitations.
I have been given an opportunity. And it is not up to me to decide if I fail or if I succeed. It is up to me to wake up and try every day again to take it another step further.
To help one more person.
To share one more story.
To create one more smile.
Have I failed? No. I am still learning how to succeed.
I keep going on. One more time.
Featured Image by Caroline Castendijk
Music of Choice: Daft Punk – One More Time